Decisiveness is overrated
I am a weak man, and probably a bad one. “That which I would, I do not. That which I would not is what I do.” It’s an old quote, but that’s probably because it’s true. I’m not the first to fall to temptation, and I will not be the last. More’s the pity.
The Devil in a Cowgirl Hat found me in a moment of weakness. And God help me, she is good at her craft.
Would I have been better able to resist her had I taken a mistress? The thought has crossed my mind, but like my sister, I’ve committed myself to romantic failure. Why did she do it? I cannot say. She has her place here as mother to Kree, and I cannot expel her. And yet she did, and I have another child on the way.
Save for my dwindling self-respect, why does this matter so much to me? For my sister, of course. Peyton drove off Antonio and stabbed my sister in the heart, a wound from which she has never recovered. At the beginning of the week we went off together on a camping trip, in part to heal our respective wounds. We both took the opportunity for some blessed solitude.
But it was also a chance for us to reconnect. We grew up close, but the demands of adulthood drive us apart, and I must admit I miss that kindred spirit I knew so well when younger. It was a joy to find that bright spirit was still present despite the tribulations my wife has visited on us both. If she blamed me for the Beast’s presence in our lives, the short trip allowed her to forgive me and we returned home reconciled.
I fear that happy outcome is now lost to me. It is not enough for Her to take advantage, but She must also drive the stake into my sister’s heart. Perhaps that is why She did it after all. I do not understand this hatred She bears for my sister, but there is so much I do not understand about Her. Perhaps it is time I stop trying. It may save me future trouble.
Despite the circumstances of her birth, Skrull has become the apple of Horta’s eye. My sister delights in being a mother and is a great one. Skrull is a delightful little girl as well, full of life and joy. She is friends with everyone she meets. In some ways she reminds me of myself at that age, though I hope her life turns out better.
I’ve already admitted to my weakness, but I’d referred also to thinking myself a bad man. This is why. I’m closer to my sister’s child than my own. The circumstances of her birth, Antonio’s betrayal, Horta holds none of this to account for her girl. I cannot do the same. Kree is growing, but knows his father more by sight than from experience. I cannot look at the boy without seeing his mother in his face. Should he know me only distantly, it is still better than knowing unjustified anger from me personally.
I considered not including this next. It seems my life is dedicated to complaining about Peyton and I do not want to appear obsessed with my mistakes. Nonetheless I made a promise of openness and honesty when I started writing, and must now continue. She desires to wreck our family, and has moved on from Gorn to Vulcan. My older brother was no more able to resist her charms than the rest of us. More than that, she ensured Gorn saw them together, and they are now feuding.
The birth of my daughter, Shi’ar, should have been a light in the darkness. How can it be? She looks like Her.
In this alone I take consolation. Things cannot get worse.